I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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