I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
