he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
