He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize