My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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