Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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