My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
