I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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