Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
