arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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