hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
