I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize