Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
