i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
