I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
