Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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