Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
