you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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