im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
