actually, I'm a sock model
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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