She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
