So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize