I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
