before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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