Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
