we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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