u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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