I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You pole danced in your parka.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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