He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
