I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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