Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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