so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
