It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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