i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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