He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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