just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
