He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
