Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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