i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize