she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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