Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
