True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
