my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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