She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
