I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
