I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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