You work out of a Hotel?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
