Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
