I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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