So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
