If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
