I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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