oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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