You're earring is so big in my mouth
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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