I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
