I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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