I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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