If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
a search helicopter?!
She's the barista slut.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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