i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
