Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
