Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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