my phone needs a breathalizer
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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