She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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