if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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